


Mind of Mine

by JanetTheAmbulance



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Thor (Movies)
Genre: Co-Dependency, F/M, Multi, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Secrets, vices
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-28
Updated: 2017-11-28
Packaged: 2019-02-08 01:20:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,039
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12853659
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JanetTheAmbulance/pseuds/JanetTheAmbulance
Summary: In which Loki understands an eye for an eye and Valkyrie questions everything she thought she knew.Prompted by wondering what Loki's most painful memory would be. Rating subject to raise.





	Mind of Mine

“You’ll have to excuse me _Your Highness_ if I’m all out of attention to lend you.”

Sarcasm dripped out of the Valkyrie’s mouth almost as quickly as the alcohol she was raising to her lips dripped in. It had taken her an annoyingly long amount of time to find this hideaway, a forgotten corridor once used to connect the cargo hold to the servants galley offering service and food out of the sight of the Grandmaster and his party guests. Most importantly now, it offered a quiet place to slip bottles away from the heavily monitored bar (even with one eye Thor couldn’t be discreet to save his life…or other eye) and was placed at the edge of the ship meaning its entire side was made of reinforced glass she could see the nothingness of the space through while she drowned in her miseries. What took decades in Midgardian time of drinking her pain away became upended in one fell swoop, one trickster and his lack of boundaries, and now she could feel the panic threaten to encircle her throat even while _drunk._ She knew it was only a matter of time before she began to recall the screams of her sisters after years of suppressing the memory, and shortly after she’d be able to distinguish between which scream came from which sister after which fatal dagger pierced which organ-

The last thing she needed right now was to be sober. Or to be around the cause of her recent relapse, yet here she was sat on a floor entirely too aware of her surroundings and the Prince of Asgard himself was to her left, leaning against one of the many crates abandoned in the corridor and looking down at her with a look that left a worse taste in her mouth than her drink. He had mostly kept to himself since their world became a singular ship, out of the way of the people which was fine by her, and somehow he had assumed control of the cargo. Their only interactions would be the negotiation of details, what was needed vs what they had, and it would typically be in the presence of Thor and the others tasked with the survival of the entire nation of Asgard. In no way did she do this out of fear, but at the same time she never looked for a reason to get to know the King’s brother, extend any olive branches. What she knew already was plenty telling, and her panic attack that had been gradually building since their last “conversation” was reason enough not to engage him further lest she be responsible for killing a god.

He seemed to have taken no mind of her begrudging apprehension though, and on this unfortunate night (or day? The people of Asgard regulated their sleep schedule to one another since no one knew how to fix the clocks on board that ran on Sakaar time) the normally locked side door to the cargo hold slid open before she could get the cap off of her first bottle and out strolled the thief of her peace, hair as black as the space they were speeding through lazily tucked behind one ear. A nauseating grin took up half of his angular face, and it hadn’t budged an inch during the Valkyrie’s attempt to ignore him. 

“Am I in time for the party? I didn’t want to be rude and keep a lady waiting.”

Maybe her ignoring attempt could still work if she kept staring ahead. Though it was near impossible for her to hold her tongue, and she could taste the ‘No lady of good virtue is waiting for you’ she wanted to spit back, she committed to her plan and stubbornly took a long swig of her preferred company. Her plan almost worked, had it not been for the all-to-known delicious sound of a cork releasing its hold on a bottle nearly filled with liquids. Snapping her head to her intruder, he had procured a large blue bottle she instantly recognized as the one she had spent days shuffling around to make its eventual disappearance from the bar less noticeable. 

“That’s _mine_ ,” she forcefully spat as she lunged for the bottle she had no intentions to share. Predicting her move, the thief of first her peace and now her plunders moved just out of her grasp, teasing her with long limbs and reflexes that were razor sharp and apparently always ready. Sensing he was in for the long haul, the Valkyrie let out a deflating sigh.

“It takes more than skillfully placing a few crates to hide something from these eyes. Especially in a corridor I use daily.”

Looking Loki in the eye for the first time this evening, she saw that he had made himself comfortable (the Prince of Asgard, sitting on the floor wedged between a crate and a Valkyrie. Truly a sight.) and was making a show of taking the first sip out of her prized possession but was also raising alarms in the back of her head. It wasn’t just that the Prince had taken a pretty sizable gulp straight from the bottle without an overly decorated cup in sight; but a few things stuck out as out-of-character from the man people whispered warning signs to look out for, namely being ‘watch out if he’s friendly’. Eyes a deceptive shade of baby blue narrowed at the prolonged look they were receiving, and for a split second the Valkyrie could’ve sworn she saw a real person and not an asshole. He quickly disappeared. 

“Just now getting around to why I’m here are we? For a Valkyrie force of one, I’m afraid you’ll have to be a bit quicker.”

The alarms in her head only grew louder. As always, his pokes and prods were precise and 99% of them landed in their intended destination of annoyance and provocation, but the usual bite seemed to be missing. Through their at times tense negotiations, she bore witness to the many verbal daggers Loki threw towards his brother, Banner, Heimdall, or even poor Korg. But they were usually through ire or other times irritation, condescension or even contempt. None of those would explain why he would come here and feign interest when he could’ve lied, stolen, or cheated his way to what he truly wanted. Unless this was phase one of a lying plan. 

“Well,” Valkyrie said in a voice hoarse from bitter sips and less use “why are you?” She kept her eye contact with Loki— not wanting to look away and be bitten by a snake or something— and from a place of keen observation she watched him break eye contact with her, look into his ill-gotten bottle, and dryly chuckle into the object propped up on a single raised knee. She didn’t have the energy to play games (to be honest she never did, but especially not tonight), and it surprised her to think that maybe he didn’t either. Of course that would be insane, but looking at long slender fingers absentmindedly tapping against ~~his~~ her bottle, and wild black waves escaping their hasty confine as his head hung with the weight of more than just an inflated ego, Loki didn’t look like the god of mischief reveling in his namesake. Unless that was phase two of his lying plan. 

Maintaining his gaze into the deep blue bottle and its distorted brown liquid, Loki let out a slow “And if I’m honest?”. For a second, Valkyrie didn’t recognize it as a question, and continued to stare at the man straying far from the path of familiarity. Lifting her own knees to rest her arms on, she realized the pause in his confession was intended for her to enter this impromptu barter. After weighing her options, she made an offer.

“Honesty would be nice, but since you’re the only being in the universe that needs a prize for being decent, I’ll let you take _one_ more sip from _my_ bottle before I kick your ass and get it back.”

This seemingly was an offer too good to pass since Loki gave his first genuine smile of the evening and subsequently raised the bottle to his curved lips. Valkyrie was stunned for a moment realizing that may have been the first genuine smile she had seen from him _period_. It stunned her even more to realize it was a nice smile, but she’d rather hand over every bottle she had than continue down that trail of thought. Jutting her hand out, she raised an eyebrow at the unhurried man. After he had swallowed and furrowed his eyebrows at what she knew had to be a delicious burn she couldn’t wait to get her hands on (literally), he rested his hand holding the bottle back on his knee, avoiding her hand but tipping it in her direction. With an exaggerated sigh, Valkyrie reached for the bottle but an all too familiar grin (and reflexes that really shouldn’t be that fast after this long of a day) beat her to the punch as Loki tipped it the other way just out of her reach. Valkyrie sat up with wide, frustrated eyes ready to tear into the menace but was met with the bottle tipped back in her direction. With a voice too smooth for its own good, Loki wryly explained himself.

“Couldn’t resist.”

“Fuck you.”

Valkyrie’s third reach for the blue bottle went quickly as she all but snatched the damn thing from its captor. A couple of drops escaped the bottle in its quick move and trickled down her fingers as she lifted the bottle to her own neglected lips. The sound of sloshing alcohol filled the silence as she took her long-awaited gulps, and it burned exactly how she knew it would. Marking the end of her first (of hopefully many) sips with a satiated sigh, she almost felt her first ounce of peace in a while as warmth spread down her chest. Almost, until she realized her lips had just covered a surface that was moments ago covered by _his_ lips. Gross. Also gross was the realization he now owed her on a deal.

“So, about that honesty…” she trailed off, hoping it would bring her closer to the end of this ordeal. Glancing over at Loki, he looked as puzzled as she did, thin lips pressed together with the faintest pressure and eyes lost in thought but fixed on the window before them. Creeped out by all this observing she’d done of him as of late, she averted her own gaze to the window before them. Space was just as beautiful and stress-inducing as it always was, and she was slipping into another train of thought before the sudden revelation of her drinking partner brought her back on board. 

“I don’t know.”

With a scoff, Valkyrie shot out a rebuttal.

“I know you’re bad and all, but if you need a crash course on what honesty is, you may be worse off than I thought.”

With a scoff of his own, Loki quickly reverted to the familiar Annoyed Loki she knew so well. 

“Why yes, with this terrible purpose I’ve been burdened with,” Loki quickly dished in a sarcastic tone, “I’ve seemed to have lost all meaning of the word ‘honesty’. Do help me good Valkyrie, I’m sure you’re overburdened with the sort.”

Annoyance filled her own words as she met Loki temper for temper.

“I’ve had more honesty in my worst stupors than you ever could pretend to muster.”

“Well good thing I’ve got you, the great last Valkyrie, here and oh so willing to explain it to me.”

“You watch yourself and what you say next,” Valkyrie warned in a low, even voice. “This whole shit show started when you came strolling in for reasons yet unknown.”

“And I told you, I don’t know.”

“I am nowhere near drunk enough for this shit.” Valkyrie murmured her astute observation mostly to herself as she raised the bottle and took another gulp. She could begin to feel her toes fly away, but she didn’t know if that was from the alcohol or hard floor cutting off her circulation. Not at all satisfied with how disappointing her night was making itself out to be, Valkyrie did little to mask her belch and addressed Loki.

“Well, until you gain the luxury of knowing, could you kindly fuck off?”

An also familiar tightening of the jaw and flash of the eyes brought Angry Loki to the conversation. Valkyrie felt the hairs on her arms raise in response, and she was _not_ going to give him the satisfaction of her fear but maybe a confrontation wasn’t the best idea right now. Before she could find a nicer way to repackage her wishes, Loki spoke his mind.

“For fucks sake, I am _trying_ to help you here.” An indignant look washed across her face, but before she could inquire how any of this was a help to her, he continued. “Do you have any idea the number of people I’ve lied to? The extent of how far my lies can go? If I chose to, I could spend a millennium spinning the most elaborate tales not a single soul would be able to spot the untruths in, yet here you are an ungrateful recipient of the honesty so many would clamor over to hear.”

“Well, kind sir,” Valkyrie matched in a searingly sarcastic way, “You’ll have to forgive me if I find it hard to believe such sought-after honesty would be freely given after merely a sip from stolen liquor.”

Loki’s irritation ebbed away. Looking back at his single raised knee, his shoulders lowered from their previously defensive elevated state. Valkyrie decided she much prefers Irritated Loki over this uncomfortably _human_ one, but still waited for what he had to say. 

“You’ve already paid for this honesty I’m willing to part with.”

She felt a knot form in her left temple, coincidentally the side facing him (her poor skull must be able to see its irritants), and let out what had to have been her hundredth sigh. 

“I really don’t have time or energy for more tricks and riddles-“

“Guilt is not something I’m fond of.”

The confession stopped her spiel in its tracks. She had never even heard the trickster speak the word, let alone admit it existed, let alone tie it to his personal experiences. Too mystified to even take another sip, the blue bottle hung between her hands and she intently listened for whatever would come next.

“I’ve…only felt it once before. I haven’t been able to fully escape it since. So I’m not too keen on picking up another instance of it.” Loki ended his confession with a resolute tone as if it were the firmest thing he felt all evening. While uncomfortably open, it didn’t clash against common sense. Valkyrie just didn’t get how it involved her.

“So you’re here…trying to help me…because you don’t like guilt……and that's the honesty you promised? Man no wonder people stopped trying to get it out of you,” Valkyrie said as she took another sip of the lowering bottle. Out of her peripheral she saw Loki settle into a grim frown at her glib retort, and truly not in the mood for a fight, she finished her swallow and offered the bottle to Loki, wiping her mouth with the back of her other hand. He accepted both the bottle and the peace offering and let her remark slide, taking a deep swallow of his own. She tried not to look at his bobbing Adam’s apple, or jaw that was chiseled just enough, and chalked up both errant thoughts to the effects of alcohol at work (finally). 

“No, the honesty is what I’m here to show you.” 

“I don’t feel like going anywhere.”

“Believe me, neither do I, but I’m afraid I have to show you this.”

“Or else…guilt?”

A heavy pause disrupted the flow of the conversation. Though Loki was now holding the bottle and had now placed it atop his extended leg, he looked through it to seemingly nothing as he weighed his options. If she wasn’t sure of her perfectly fine hearing, she would’ve said the ‘yes’ that met her ears came from someone else as his lips hardly moved. But he had said yes, and he had bizarrely admitted to Valkyrie somehow being the key to something he had to show her or else his own “guilt” would meet him. Maybe ‘without a conscious’ Loki was more fun but she didn’t mind seeing where this new power over Loki took her.

“So where does this honesty lie? And can I bring my drink? I’m bringing my drink anyway. Speaking of which give it back.”

Loki distractedly handed the bottle back to her, without any feints or tricks, as he contemplated his next words. This night was weirding the hell out of the solitary Valkyrie, but a pleasant burn was beginning to simmer through her abdomen, so maybe all wasn’t lost just yet. 

“Brunnhilde I’ve seen something I shouldn’t have.”

The use of her name doused her warm feelings in cold water and almost made her spit out her drink. She knew exactly where and when he had gotten her real name from, and the memory of that invasion reminded her of how destabilizing it was, and remembering the destabilization she felt then reminded her of the destabilization she increasingly felt now, and remembering how she was coming apart at the seams now reminded her of how some of her sisters came apart at the joints, and remembering-

“You have 5 minutes to finish your fucking point,” she threatened with a wavering voice. The last thing she wanted to do was cry like a bitch, but since she could feel her throat tightening once again the least she could do was scare off any and all outsiders. 

“That day, I only wanted to bring back memories of them as a distraction during an uncomfortably close fight. I was curious myself as to what had happened to the Valkyries, but I had no idea…”

Valkyrie didn’t dare look up to what she knew would be Loki looking at her with those awful, entirely too perceptive eyes. Seeing the bottom inch of her vision blur, she knew she had been attacked by tears and Thor’s obliterated eye would be able to see them, no less the eyes of the asshole she wouldn’t grant the satisfaction of knowing he’d caused them. 

“That was the most painful memory you have, wasn’t it?”

Her silence was the only answer she gave. The hum of the ship grew entirely too loud, the lights overhead felt too bright, and the stars she could barely make out in her peripheral dancing around blurred spots suddenly made her nauseous. She needed to leave as soon as she could stand without leaking a few disgusting drops of eye water. She also could feel her chest start to rise and fall, worriedly fighting off the closing feeling her throat was beginning to share, and in the _very_ back of her mind she began to hear faint screams. She didn’t hear what Loki had to say until he repeated himself.

“I said, I’m here to show mine.”

The suddenness of his revelation did help in reversing the path of her tears, but while they were releasing the hold on her eyes she still stubbornly looked into her lap, allowing her tone to speak for her mood. 

“Surely you must mean you’ve come to physically expose yourself, because that makes eons more sense than what you could possibly be suggesting.”

“Very funny, but that honesty will have to be revealed another day. I saw your most painful memory, and for this one time only I will let you see mine. Be mindful though, my guilt does not rest upon you accepting my offer or not, and I’ll gladly leave you to your party of one should you not make up your mind and rather quickly.”

For the first time in a while, Valkyrie was speechless. Multiple questions came to mind, one of them being if she really wanted to scrape the bottom of Mister Angst’s emotional barrel, but curiosity also peaked at whether she’d see Thor, or Odin. Or maybe even his mother. That’s when everything clicked for the Valkyrie. 

“It’s your mother, isn’t it? That’s where the guilt came from and would rise again if you didn’t pay me back. But wait, what does that have to do with me?” Valkyrie’s train of thought ended with more questions, and looking up at Loki for the first time in a while gave her a chill akin to stepping on actual thin ice. His eyes were live, and locked on her, and so dangerously emotive she felt that for the first time since meeting him he was 100% present and at hand, just barely contained by a thin cage of skin. All of his thoughts were swimming behind his eyes, and she knew whatever answer he decided to throw at her would be one he actually _felt_ , for good or bad, and wouldn’t be a distanced by a veil of elusiveness. 

“Thor has and will again give everything he possibly can to ensure the safety and longevity of Asgard. My mother indeed also gave these people her all. A Valkyrie, especially in times as hard as now, could stand as our nations last hope should something ever happen while my brother and I are away, or worse. But thanks to an accident at best, our only Valkyrie is one mention away from a breakdown and one stressor away from stuffing the paneling of the ship with alcoholic beverages.”

Hot irritation rose to her cheeks. Maybe some shred of her registered shame, but that was a shred that was not allowed to talk right now, or ever, and Loki was not the person she needed a lecture from. 

“If you’re on some charity case, you could go try fixing your million other fuck-ups and leave the actually functioning person to her damn job.”

“Functioning? I didn’t know that was another word I’ve seemingly lost the definition of. Remind me again, when did it include gratuitous amounts of booze just to get out of bed?”

Valkyrie shot out an arm to land a punch square on his nose, but she didn’t account for how light her arm would feel after spending this long distracted and inactive. She was just a second slower than usual, but that was all Loki needed to catch her fist in his palm. His eyes were just as hard set as she was squinting hers to be and with teeth clenched he addressed her.

“Take it or leave it, you have my offer.”

Valkyrie snatched her hand back. She was _no ones_ charity case and thought she had done a pretty damn good job of saving their world from ending while ignoring the internal implosion of hers. He had _no idea_ -

Or maybe he did. And that was partially what brought them here, due to circumstances unknown to probably everyone but Heimdall, Loki knew _exactly_ how it felt for her then, and how it feels now, and he did have a direct hand in worsening already bad side effects. It would actually be fair if she saw his equivalent to the reason why she can’t fall asleep sober, and for once the word fair regarding Loki might not be the most improbable scenario ever. She did have him sitting right next to her, on a floor, offering the most protected sliver of his mind. Looking up at him with determined steely eyes, and not even masking the power she knew she had over the situation, she cocked up the corner of her mouth. 

“Show me then.”

Not in the mood to prolong matters, or maybe even in a hurry to get things over with, Loki grasped her open hand and placed it on the side of his temple. Just as she was beginning to register the feel of silky hair bury the edges of her fingertips, everything went black.

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> First story, I have ideas on where I want to take this but I'm extra nice to reviewers ;)


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